i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
