I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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