Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
