We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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