John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
They took my balls.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
