You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I need water and some morals
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
