im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
