I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
