allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
