hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
