This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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