You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
