dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
