that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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