How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My feet surprised me
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