If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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