Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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