My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize