First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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