the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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