I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
