She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize