6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
