I accidentally burped into my bong.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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