If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize