He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
