i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
