mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
