I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
