census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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