I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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