a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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