you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize