I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Randomize