Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
