i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize