I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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