i was born a porn star she said
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
you didnt know i had herpes?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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