I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
