She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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