I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
