I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
