sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
