Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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