Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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