I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
