I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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