I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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