Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
