Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I checked into jail on foursquare
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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