Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
