My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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