If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
soo... how was my night?
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