His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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