I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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