I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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