just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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