i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize