my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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