wakey wakey hands off snakey
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
