I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
