he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
