You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
