Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
