My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize