oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
