The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
