My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
