if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
